Education & Information

When we process the pain of our past we will face the loss of many things.  The list below suggests some possible losses that we will need to grieve in order to heal.

• loss of our childhood
• betrayal of our trust
• loss of our sense of self
• loss of our faith in God
• face the truth about people, organizations, and institutions (such as the church or school) that may have let us down
• loss of idealized relationships
• loss of fellowship with unsafe people whom we love
• loss of our sense of value and self-worth
• connected-ness (we may feel we are alone in our pain)
• our resentment, hatred, or hostility toward the person who harmed us
• our dependence on others who have enabled us
• our negative coping mechanisms (may include addictions, harmful relationships, and high risk behaviors)

Processing the pain of our past involves taking an honest look at the memories, symptoms, and other clues to the truth of what happened to us.  We have probably all heard the scripture, “The truth will set you free.” (John 8:32)  In a very practical manner, this is one of the ways the truth does, indeed, free us.  It allows us to face the realities that continue to provoke our pain and begin to move past them.  Essential to moving out of the victim role and into that of victorious survivor is that we not only face our truths, but allow ourselves to grieve the losses those truths contain.

In many ways the death of our idealized past, the losses we incurred in childhood and in the years that followed while we were yet unhealed and perhaps without hope, will grieve us deeply.  Not only what happend to us, but our own choices as we moved on in life without the benefit of foundational elements of our personality that would have helped us cope, not only with the past, but the present–elements of trust, self-confidence, a positive life style, and the knowledge that we are treasured.  As we move into healing and begin to process the pain of our past, we will grieve.  The following information will help you and those you love understand some of the dynamics of your grief so that you may be better equipped to get through it.

 

When we are grieving a loss we may feel it in many different ways—physically, spiritually, emotionally and mentally.  It may affect us socially as well.  Some of the body effects may be:

• Chronic tiredness or fatigue
• General aches and pain
• Asthma
• Stomach pains
• Chest pressure and/or palpitations
• Panic attacks
• Anxiety (or a generalized sense that “something is wrong”
• Muscle aches and cramps

 

Many of these physical complaints are potentially symptoms of other medical issues that may be serious or critical.  If you are experiencing any of the above you should go for a medical evaluation.

 

Some common emotional responses to grief include:

 

• Anger
• Denial
• A sense of being overwhelmed
• Despair
• Guilt
• Disbelief
• Confusion
• Sadness
• Sorrow
• Longing or yearning
• Depression
• Increased fears

 

A grieving person may regress to behaviors experienced in an earlier stage of life or experience the return previously altered negative coping mechanisms ( for example, a desire to return to excessive drinking, drugs, or unhealthy relationships).

 

It is vitally important that you take care of yourself during a season of grief.  Some ways that we can do this are listed under the “Help Yourself” section on this website.  Check out “Twenty-Six Positive Life Skills.”

 

Grief affects the whole person, body, mind, and soul.  It affects the way we interact with other people.  The following suggestions will help you “grieve well”  in each of these ways.

 

 

Social

• Stay connected with healthy people.  You may want to get involved with a support groups with others who have been through similar experiences and are actively working through it.
• Don’t isolate.  Isolation kills.
• Find someone (a trusted friend, counselor, pastor, etc) to talk to.  Don’t keep it inside.

 

Emotional

• Learn to identify the particular emotion you are experiencing.  (You’ll find an emotional checklist on the “Help Yourself” section on this website.  Some people like to print it and post it on their refrigerator as a reminder to assess their feelings.) 
• Many experience an emotional release and find strength through Bible reading (particularly the Psalms) and prayer.
• Spend time around emotionally healthy people.  Emotions are “contagious.”  Have you ever seen two people walking hand in hand and one was smiling a big smile while the other wore a worried frown? We tend to mentally and emotionally “mirror” the emotions of the people we spend time with.

 

Physical

• Eat healthy balanced meals and drink lots of water.
• Exercise to reduce stress and improve your mood.
• Do something with your hands—write in a journal, start an art project, take up a hobby
• Get lots of rest.  Try to sleep.  Check out the “Help Yourself” section on this website.

 Mental

• Read good books and inspirational literature
• Journal about your journey through grief
• Practice focusing on the positive
• Converse with others who have been through similar experiences

Spiritual

• Don’t be afraid to ask God, why.  “Why did this happen to me or to the one I loved?”
• Read the Bible for comfort (especially the Psalms), for encouragement (Isaiah is wonderful for this), for understanding the nature of God (I love the Book of John)

You will find your own “favorites” as you go to a quiet place and begin to seek the Great Physician through reading scriptures.

• Study classical  literature such as My Utmost for His Highest, by Oswald Chambers or contemporary inspirational writings by people like Phillip Yantcy or Beth Moore
• Read books that speak directly to the issues that affect you.  My book, Redeeming Our Treasures is a treasury of healing insights.  Other books by compassionate scholars are listed on this website.  Every one of them is a treasure trove of inspiration, wisdom, and encouragement.
• Go to church on Sunday.  The benefits of church attendance have been clearly established.  Find a church that fits your personality, theology, and social needs.