Education & Information

How Can I Help the Adult Survivor of Childhood Sexual Abuse?

The wonderful thing about recovery is that it is not accomplished alone. As we grow and heal, we share our hurts, challenges, and insights with others, and they grow too! They develop compassion and empathy as they share our burdens and our victories. They become a part of a spiritual contest that will demand that they develop sensitivity, honesty, and firm boundaries—for hurting people may unintentionally hurt others, and dealing with this will require time, involvement, and understanding far beyond what most people have on their own.

If you are in relationship with someone who is recovering from abuse, abandonment, or neglect, you naturally want to heal that person. But you can’t. God alone is the healer. Our bumbling attempts to fix others whom we love often hurt more than they help.

So what can we do to reach out in love to people we love who have suffered abuse? The primary thing is to validate them. The fact that they are expressing their hurt and pain is much more important than how they are able to verbalize it. They may use words that are uncharacteristically harsh, crude, or even hateful. If the words are about the abuse, the abuser, or others who colluded in the crime against them, you need to know that the survivor is emptying out a reservoir of pent-up traumatic thoughts, emotions, and resentments. Be empathetic, nonjudgmental, and compassionate. If the words are directed toward you, firmly state your boundaries and stand by them. You might say, “I know you are in a lot of pain, but your pain is not about me, and I can’t be here for you if you make me the object of your resentment.”

Good boundaries are essentialto being an effective helper for those we love. Someone has said, “Hurt people hurt people.” All of us have, at times, hurt the people we love. Survivors of abuse have a tremendous amount of hurt to process, and we are loving them appropriately when we help them process well.

Some things you need to know in order to honor the survivor’s trust and respect her or his feelings:

• Abuse of a child or vulnerable adult is never the fault of the survivor.
• The abuser should never be excused or validated.
• The survivor should never be seen as a victim.
• Never make assumptions or draw conclusions that are not explicitly stated by the survivor.
• Help her clarify her thoughts, but do not add your input to them.
• Validate the survivor’s feelings.
• Assure the survivor that the abuse was not her fault.
• If you don’t know much about sexual abuse, say so, but offer to learn more if you want to stay involved in the survivor’s healing.
• Educate yourself about sexual abuse and the healing process.
• Join with the survivor in validating the damage.
• Encourage the survivor to reach out for support in addition to yours.
• If the survivor is suicidal or you think she may be, ask her to call the 24/7  suicide hotline provided in the Resource Section of this website.